fuck, oh fuck.

Hey, remember when I said I wouldn't be posting for a while? Yeah, this happened.

Blue Scarf Guy is back, I saw him on campus today. He's still wearing the same thing, and still watching me closely (this time I was getting lunch with Kevin at the student union). He was there when we went into the building, hanging out by the administration building, and then when we came out he was by the bookstore, which is on the other side of the food court. And I was really pissed off, and kind of scared, so I did something pretty stupid: I went up to him.
"Hey, this is going to sound a little weird, but do I know you from someplace?" I asked, trying to be subtle. He looked down, as if he were surprised to see me. He's youngish by the way, like late 20's. He looks like a grad student. Brown hair and pale eyes with shadows underneath.
"I don't think so. You don't know me, you don't know what you're doing, you don't know anything." He said. He didn't sound angry, more tired. And then he started humming a little tune, and I jumped back away from him and ran back to where Kevin was waiting for me.

This is what he was humming:

Specifically, the section that goes "don't be sudden, just look around us/ all things shining, all things shining"

Which is my yahoo email adress. all_things_shining. I took it from the song, just like I took my gmail adress and my youtube account (this is one of my favorite songs).

If this is a coincidence, it's one hell of an uncanny one.

And you know what almost certainly isn't a coincidence? I basically ran home (thank God it's a holiday, no classes) and finally looked through the first few entries of this blog again, the art ones, and I found some very, very troubling stuff.

On the 9th of september, in the Shepard Fairey post: randomly capitalized letters in the last three paragraphs that spell out HES HERE JILL.

In the post about Jill freaking out after Kevin's birthday, in the first paragraph: HIM

In the yarn photo/photography post:  HE IS HERE FOR JILL HELP US

And then there's Jill predicting her own death, and the burned posters, and the emails and twitter posts and phone calls and...Im hyperventilating. oh please  this can't mean what it means



   




This is about an hour and a half later. I had a really, really bad panic attack, one of the worst in my life so far. I was shaking and crying and hyperventilating in my closet (when I have panic attacks I get into the smallest space possible, it makes me feel safer).  It took almost an hour for me to get coherent again. I don't like talking about this shit but somehow it feels decietful for me not to mention it.

Okay, let's see if I can do this without...yeah.
There have been a lot of things that I can't explain in a logical way. I can't account for what this fucking horrible blog has become. There's no logical, pragmatic, real explanation for some of these things. Which means, much as I hate it, much as it makes me feel cold and terrified and disoriented and alone, this might be the only possibility left. And it sounds so stupid, it sounds like I'm going crazy, but if anyone could give me a better explanation I would cling to it with all my heart. But this is it. This is the only thing left. God help me I'm starting to believe that the monster is real.And typing those words is enough to make me start shaking and crying again. god oh god this is so fucked