Friday, January 28, 2011

Up to Flagstaff again...

...for the weekend. It's for my birthday party. I'm obviously in a very festive mood.

Andrew is actually driving up with me, he'll pick me up later tonight, which will be good. As if the stuff here isn't bad enough, I'm sort of running out of money, so having him share gas expenses with me will be good. Not like I don't value his company too, of course.
I want to tell Andrew what's happening so badly, although of course I know I can't. It's weird, he's a year younger than me but he's always so much more together than I am. He's motivated and focused on school, he spends a lot of time working out, he's very sure of where he's going in life and knows how to get there. Also he just started dating a girl, his first serious girlfriend, it sounds like, and I think he wants to introduce her to the family this weekend. He asked if it was ok to bring a friend along. I said yes, of course. It makes it a lot easier not to tell him about this stuff.

Last night I got a text from Kevin saying that he and Sarah had broken up. And it says something about me that I'm now a little more fucked up about that than I am about the possibility of a monster. I'm not sure whether it says something good or bad.

I didn't want this. I didn't want them to break up. I thought I was over him, and I certainly never tried to do anything to try and split them apart, but I know, I just know that I contributed to their breakup. It seems like everything is fucked up here. Jill is gone, Kevin and Sarah hate each other now, and I don't even know where Christian is- he sort of dropped out of sight after Jill's funeral, and he doesn't answer my calls anymore, although I still see him on campus sometimes. I miss him. And I miss Jill. She'd know what to do about Kevin. She was always so much better at matters of love. So much more confident, so much more brave.
The only people I talk to now are Jess and Kevin, and Andrew, on the phone. I've almost lost touch with Clara but that's really my fault- she wasn't a friend of Jill's, and I kept telling myself she wouldn't understand...maybe I should call her. I'm just rambling here, trying to work out on paper (paper? On the internet, I suppose) what I should be working out in my head. It's like a tangled ball of string, the Gordian Knot, and I wish I had a sword to cut this problem in half.
I'm going to sleep early, I think.

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