Jill's blue notebook

I figured I'd give this its own page, rather than post constantly in the main blog about something that might not turn out to mean anything in the end...I'm scanning Jill's blue notebook in 2 pages at a time, and providing a transcript below. Some things I won't be able to transcribe because they're in Russian or illegible, but if you can correct anything, please comment below.
I've also added some small notes in italics to clarify where I can...mostly links to other blogs or explanations of her references to people we know. Every instance of my name is scribbled out pretty much completely, but judging by context I've replaced it in most instances.


Found this in Mom's kitchen drawer when I was leaving. She uses these for adress books. I guess I took it b/c I want a real record of this if I'm really going to do it. Which I guess I am since I'm writing this on the bus.
I've never ridden a greyhound before, it's less creepy than I expected. There's no weird drunk guys or anything. I'm going to Tucson so I can give my russian notebook to Ali...don't kow if it's a good idea yet but (X)HE(X) wants her...I dont know how I know that. (X)HE(X)doesnt speak to me but I get these feelings of wanting so bad. Me and her & I bet (X)HE(X) loves it that we're...

... roomates. What a shitty coincidence. Sometimes I want to ask her if she's like me and saw (X)HIM(X) when she was little but I'm scared she'll remember and be a target. Right now she thinks I'm crazy & I'm glad b/c she's safer that way. Maybe if I run (X)HE(X) won't care about her as much.
I miss my mom. I've been gone for like 3 hrs and I just want to run back home & hide but I can never hide (X)HE(X) finds me like he did when I was 6 and (X)HE(X) was the monster in the closest (X)HE(X) was never a friend. I see in blogs sometimes they talk about (X)HIM(X) like calling (X)HIM(X) an imaginary friend when they were kids. but (X)HE(X) was always scary (X)HE(X) was never ever safe or friendly or warm.
(X)HE started when Dad died except Dad didn't die til years later, way after he left Mom and me, I was 17
How the hell did I forget that


It's the middle of the day now and I can think straight. I'm gonna say what happened last night was me being tired ok? I didn't forget, really. Dad left when I was 5, he died in Minnesota when I was 17 from throat cancer & I didn't go to his funeral. He ditched Mom & me and he didn't deserve me showing up at his funeral. I was kind of pissed obviously. Mom's worked her ass off for me & her to have an ok...

...life and she'd never have to work that hard if he'd stayed.

I'm still on the bus which is doing no favors for my shitty handwriting. Missed my stop in tucson b/c I was asleep so I'm riding back now. Why'd I think I could do this on my own? So stupid & now I'm wasting all my money on this fucking greyhound

Finally in tucson. It's after 4 and I know Ali's home now so I can't plant this thing tonight. Getting a room at a hotel, making sure it's 3rd floor. So glad I have savings ok so it's mostly financial aid but who cares, not like I have to worry about paying off loans anymore right?

Got into this hotel & slept all day. Literally. I got to sleep around 3 last night & just woke up. & it's after 5. I don't feel any sicker than normal though so I think I[m safe. Still coughing & the operator symbol masks aren't helping as much as they did. Jesus how can I still be tired?

I did it, planted the notebook in our bathroom...

...mirror. Left the rest of my extra masks too- they're not helping me but they might help Jill Ali.
Whyat the hell I just wrote my own name. It's b/c I'm tired ok? Just like with Dad.
What's real? My nme is Jill Kliene, I still have my Dad's name even though he left. My dad is Steve Kliene and he died when I was 17. My mom is Jennifer Wu-Kliene & she teaches elementary school at Kyrene Del Norte in Tempe. I am -- was -- a psych major at the U of A, in my 3rd year. My minor is Russian. I am 1/2 chinese & 1/2 white. I like the color blue & tea & Doctor Who & reading historical fiction. My favorite book is The Other Boelyn Girl & my favorite movie is Milo & Otis.

Oh god I just mispelled my own last name 3 times in the facing page

I'm still saying this is because I'm tired. OK? OK.
Leaving tucson, now I'm hitching to CA. No idea where I'm going now. Hitchiking is easier than I thought It'd be. In a car now w/ a youngish hipster boy. He's really cute actually, tho I'm not that stoked about his beard. He's singing along to the...

...cd he's plugged(?) told me I need to listen to, some guy named John Vanderslice. Nice enough I guess but I like rock a little more. Told him I'm going to visit my friend Mimi in Portland. Not a total lie - Mimi's from there but she lives in Tucson now.
M ride's name is Jake but he wants to be called Jonesy. He's taking me to San Diego.

No sign of (X)HIM(X) & if I'm lucky it's going to stay that way.

Emailed Pete (of The World That Never Was) today from a Mcdonalds in San Diego. Apparently they all have free wi-fi. Good thing, keep that in mind.
Caught up on the blogs too. Evan (of EverymanHYBRID) hit (X)HIM(X) with a baseball bat! It didn't work but...at least Evan's alive. Jean and Amelia (of Vivere Disce and Road To The Heavens respectively) are starting to become more fully aware of X)HIM(X) too...Jean was attacked but she's ok too. I don't know, I'm scared for them but I can't pay too much attention b/c I'm so scared for me.
In any case, still in San Diego but might move soon. I don't have a better idea...

...so I'm going north like I told Jonesy I would.

I kind of kissed him. Well what the hell who am I trying to write this for, this is my stupid journal thing so I might as well say it. I was this close to having sex w/ him. He asked if I had a place to stay & I said no, we shared a hotel room & he put moves on me & I went along. He was really cute other than that stupid indie beard. We almost had sex but I said no at the last minute & he got mad & kicked me out. At least he let me get my stuff before I went.

so he's a dick & I kept moving that night, no sleep until noon today when I got a cheep hotel & crashed for a few hrs. woke up again around 8, had to stay in the hotel cuz I missed the checkout deadline. So I'm here for tonight, may as well get some sleep

Walking across san diego trying to catch rides but can't. sitting @ bus stop...so tired. My feet hurt. I want to go home but I can't can't can't.

finally got a ride around 9pm yesterday, took me north. Don't remember the name of the town I'm in. My ipod broke yesterday & it really sucks w/o it...never know how much you miss music til it's gone. Headed for a starbucks or something to get internet + check blogs & email.

Shaun (of Testing, 1 2 3) is not dead. I talked to him last week he kalled me brilliant & said I'd be ok if I ran he cant be dead. Please let Robert Sage (of White Elephants) be wrong or lying please...

11/6 (from here to 11/9/10 the month- 10- is crossed out and replaced with the correct 11.)
still on the move. I don't see towns anymore, just places I can get online. Don't sleep normallly either tho I found a hotel that's cheap & has 4 stories so I can sleep tonight. Still hoping for word from Shaun or Pete.

I feel so cold now. My cough's gone but I'm still so cold.

These are the people who love me:

and maybe Prof. Clancy if she hears...she likes me. (Prof. Clancy was one of Jil's favorite psychology teachers, the rest are her friends)

I'm never going to see these people again.

I forgot to mention I got a twitter. Not important really though.
Pete emailed, told me there are 3 new sages. Robert (Sage/Sagel, see above) named them. Amelia's one, I've been following her blog, but the others are new to...
...me. Zero and Maduin are their names.
Pete is ok tho, that's good.

He also linked me to a blog run by a person named Nightcrawler (that would be Observe and Terminate) who's hunting us. Runners I mean (the team has since stopped doing that). I can barely believe it. Isn't (X)HE(X) enough? Now I have to be scared of people too?

No one's been mean to me while I've been hitching. I'm so glad no one's tried to hurt me. Well except Jonesy & he was just mad I didn't fuck him. He was even kind of better about it tha he could've been. Whatever about him tho.
Now I'm w/ a woman taking me a little out of my way but it's not like I had a real goal or anything anyway. She's nice- she's moving from Houston & wants to her new house tonight so shes driving sthraight thru. She's going to Idaho, no idea why she's coming thru California but w/e it's not my business.
Anyway she's letting me off at the CA border & who knows I might go east instead. I don't care that much. maybe I can go to minnesota &...

...visit Dad's grave b/c I wish more and more as I get older that I'd went gone to his funeral.

Still no word from Shaun.

Stuff on the facing page is from a kid I rode w/...her name was Jenna. Her parents gave me a ride to the coast. They're going on vacation to Seattle but they're driving up the PCH (this is the Pacific Coast Highway, which runs up the length of California). If I had a kid in the car I'd never pick up hitchikers but I'm kind of glad they did obvs. kept looking for (X)HIM(X)

Jenna was a nice kid totally cool but she made me so nervous. (X)HE(X) wants me & (X)HE(X) likes kids...no sign tho.
sleeping outside is out now b/c it's too cold. I love this hoodie but it's no good for N. California.


Shaun is ok

found out last night. he emailed me. I was at a gas station & bought myself some wine b/c it's the only alcohol I really like. Then drank most of it & then sat in a grocery store til 3 am & I sobered up. too scared to leave - not of (X)HIM(X) or at least...

...not more than usual, b/c sober won't save me from (X)HIM(X)

scared of people. stupid huh. but Shaun isn't dead.

Pete emailed me too, & he's ok, still running. He seems like a good person, like I can trust him even if he does have another personality or whatever's giving him notes.

make a wish

I sent Ali an email when I was drunk. Never drinking again, too dangerous for me & her. hope she never got it. it says where the notebook is. it sounds crazy. (see my post on the email, and my scans of the notebook)

(X)HE(X) started apearing when I was 5, after Dad left. started telling this story earlier but stopped. (X)HE(X) would stand outside places & behind doors. I called (X)HIM(X) the outside man. Mom thought I made (X)HIM(X) up to replace Dad. NO. Nothing further. (X)HE(X) only tried taking me once, I was 6 and mom dropped me off at school & (X)HE(X) reached for me long arms bees in my head grinding yearning sick like...

...drilling at my bones. Ms. Mary saved me. My teacher. She saw (X)HIM(X) coming for me & said no visitors on school grounds & took me inside. Didn't see (X)HIM(X) again til that FUCKING CLASS about repressed memories god if only (X)HE(X) had stayed buried in my head...

feel sick, hands + head hurt. Can't talk about this anymore.

found me found me found me (etc. repeats 20 times)

oh god how do I tell about this. I was at mcdonalds in the middle of the afternoon what kind of demon shows up at a mcdonalds in the middle of the afternoon I looked outside b/c I heard a noise it was the sighn shooting sparks popping & cracking & behind the sparks was HIM just staring & my head was full of bees & nothing was good or safe anymore just black and HE found me foundmefoundmefoundmefoundmefoundmefoundmefoundmefound...


(X)...after that I blacked out & came to across the street a few minutes later. (X)HE(X) was gone but there were bruises all over my arm. Went back into the mcdonalds to get my stuff b/c I left it when I ran & the guy working there yelled at me, sed he'd get his manager, called me crazy. I grabbed my stuff & ran.
I'm so scared (X)

Stay away from me

there's nothing you can do that can't be done nothing you can sing that can't be sung nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be it's easy nothing you can make that can't be made no one you can save that can't be saved nothing you can do that you can't learn how to be you inside it's easy all you need is love all you need is love all you need is love love love is all you need (the lyrics to All You Need Is Love by the Beatles, obviously. She's misquoted it a little but...anyway...)

running. left california, jumped in the 1st car that took me & went wherever they were going. now it's late & I'm in Idaho somewhere in a 2nd story motel 6 & it's not high enough but I'm so tired I could die

last night I emailed Pete & told him what happened, today he sent me back a message saing (X)HE(X) had been behind a door...Pete also said to check my laptop for extra files...

...so I did. There was an untitled word doc w/ 9 repeated over & over & over

Pete's ok, I'm shaky, scared, keep looking behind me but I'm ok too. & Amelia's ok (based on the timing, this refers to this post on The World that Never Was, and this one on Road to the Heavens. Note that Jill commented on both posts.)
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (something got heavily blacked out, I can't read it and actually it might just be a way of marking the transition between thoughts or something?)

What do the 9s mean? almost 4 printed pages & I know I didn't do it myself. They feel importa(nt) like (X)HE(X) meant them to mean something

(Russian- HE [untranslateable], 5 times)

(more Russian- I can't translate it, sorry)
hescominghe is coming heisco mingheiscoming

(Russian again- NO over and over, in the bottom middle it's "HE [something] ME". Sorry about the folded over page, it's just more HET and an operator symbol. )

pages falling out I am not where I was HE moved me (Russian, I don't know)
HE moved me found me cant sleep foundmein idaho haveto keep moving what cost
you too my son will have a taste of power
Hey Jill what are you doing just trying to stay sane keep myself solid(?) firm in my own head must keep talking just stay real who are you I'm...

...Jill Kleine 21 yrs old birthday august 8 born raised Tempe AZ KDN elementary KMS middle school Marcos high school U of A college pyschology degree honors society russian language classes where am I I'm in utah near the border almost in colorado havent slept in 2 days pull it together Jill pull it together I'm real I'm real I'm real I'm real. I'm real. I'm real. This is not (X)HIM(X) this is me, and I am not letting HIM back into my head, & I am real.

back to normal, or at least as normal as I can be...I fucked up though

As near as I can tell, HE caught up with me again, this time HE moved me, took me from my room to a park where I wokre up freezing cold with w/ a buzzing screaming mind. This was on the 15th I guess. Then 1 day of blank w/ sort of moments of being me & not knowing where I was...been hitching or walking or something even when I was crazy b/c now I'm in colorado heading east. talked...

...to Pete again...checked on blogs. Zero's sick, maybe dying, but I have this feeling I wrote on his blog that he wouldn't die. (This refers to this post on A hint of serendipity, Jill commented on Pete's blog about it actually, I think. I'll hunt it down later)

I emailed Jill. I really fucked up so bad. FUCK I mean Ali I emailed Ali. I'm disconnecting from myself & it's so scary but not. I know what the 9s mean now.

I know when I'm going to die.

couldnt look at that sentence anymore. can't think about it. I know too much now. r (?)
tried to post on Zero's blog but it came out Russian. cant post in english- like a block. wasps in my head & my fingers lock up like stone. wonder if I can do it here? Its whenever I try to talk about (stressed-looking marks) OH (HE or HIM in Russian) guess it's the same.

I realized something.

(Russian), I mean like it comes in waves. Started when Pete (Russian), then thru attacks on Amelia, Jean, Zero...patterns I don't understand. Too stupid & cold.

I got 2 emails from Zero & Maduin. They care about me. They want me to live. Or they are at least willing to listen I sent both emails, & hope they dont get mad about the russian but I can't help it.

I'm so fucking scared all the time but so tired almost too tired to care...

...this book is to hard it's all falling apart



& I dont even care

sspreading infection spreading spreading
quarantine (X)her(X)
keep (X)them(X) safe
too late for me
too late too late

dont know the day anymore
marymary quitecontrary
how does your child grow
with blankd out face
& mind erased & fire
to burn you down

Ms. Mary's dead
she lost her head
Ms. Jill's the same
but mad instead

HE & Jill went up
the hill to fetch
a pail of XXXX (probably water?)
HE reached down &
pulled her round &
Jill came tumbling after

HE gave me my mind back. Maybe HE's busy or HE's using me..who cares. I' dead. I'm sorry (X)you(X) believed in me (X)zero(X) It's the 28th (?) of November & this might be my last real act...
I am coming home. I'm trying to get back to Tucson to give this to (X)you(X) If you I'll leave it somewhere (X)you(X) can find it just...I crossed out (X)your(X) name. Remember my name. & tell (X)mom(X) I love her so much, & (X)Jess & Christian & everyone(X) I tried.

Harriet let my mind go so I could be scared she picked me up in Michigan & told me I was a sweetheart drugged me told me to come w/ her. she knows the notebook she read it but never found your name. she's letting me keep writing & I don't know why she's keeping me til HE comes to kill me she broke my left arm last night & beat me now my face doesn't look like my face any more you have to...

...know some things I saw some things when HE had my head. The operator symbol the (X) the (X) it's worthless all the time I thought I was protecting them it was no fucking good no fucking use it just marks HIS hunting ground HE knows all of them it doesnt protect us from shit

It's dangerous there are these places these hallowed hunting grounds they're HIS territory STAY OUT please please don't go there

2 days later or maybe its the same day Harriet is going to take this from me and she made me write on a picture but I dont know why or what I wrote HE was in there in my head I wasn't me. Please forgive me I never...

...told them your name remember my name remember my name she wants me to say goodbye

I love you ok & Mom & everyone sorry I'm such a failure & don't die too
please dont die please let it end with me

She's hurting me
HEs waiting (writing?) for you dont go

3 blank pages after this, and then the end of the book.

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