Thursday, October 21, 2010


It's so cold here now. It started getting cold for the first time yesterday and today it was freezing. I've been waiting for it to get cold for ages, yearning for it almost, and now that it's finally fall it seems so abrupt and lonely. I'm putting off saying what I want to say, aren't I.

Got another call from Jill's mom last night. She (Jill) is not doing any better. She might have to be committed for a little while. To a fucking mental institution. I didn't think I'd ever know someone who went to a mental institution.
I worked up the courage to clean out her room by skipping class and getting kind of drunk. I guess that says a lot about how much this is upsetting me, that I had to get drunk to even open her fucking door. I'm sober now, by the way, that was around 3 in the afternoon. I slept all morning, because last night I didn't get to sleep until way too late.
Everything seems sort of far away right now, but I'm kind of glad. It's better than being sharp and immediate and scary, but I'm not sure if it's good that I'm feeling this disconnected. I haven't even told anyone that she's gone again. I should at least tell Christian. Actually what I should do is have lots of people around me and lots of people writing emails to her and making sure she knows we love her. But I can't face explaining things right now, other than obviously to this blog, but, like I keep saying, this blog is more like a diary than anything. I'm sorry, my sentence structure is total shit right now.
Jill's room was a lot easier to deal with than I expected. I'm actually not sure what I expected: writing on the walls? Blood? Broken things? But it was just her room, a little messy but mostly normal. She'd drawn that symbol on the windows in marker, that was the worst of it. I tried to scrub it off but it's not happening yet. I'll keep working on it. Other than that everything seemed normal, I gathered her books and things and put a lot of her clothes in a bag for her mom. No one knows if she's going to finish the semester but her mom says it doesn't look that likely, so she might just take most of Jill's stuff down when she comes to pick up her clothes on Saturday. Her voice cracked on the phone when she was telling me thank you for helping, and she almost started crying. I wasn't...I didn't know how to deal with that. I'm not helping that much and really I'm just a scared kid who probably didn't do any of the right things for Jill..I don't know what to say to her mom. I pretended like it didn't happen but my heart was breaking.

These are the classes Jill is taking: Psychological Measurements and Statistics, The Design of the Mind, Cognitive Psychology, Russian 201, and a Biology lab. I'm thinking back to one of the first entries I made in this blog, the one about memory. She went into her room only a few days after we had that conversation about flashbacks and memories. Was that how it started, and if so, how's it tied to that stupid slenderman thing from the internet? It's been going around in my head all day. Which came first, and which will be able to fix her? Because even though I know a little bit about psychology and I know there won't be an easy fix, I just keep hoping.

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