Wednesday, October 20, 2010


It happened again. She started while I was home this time...I was in the kitchen making lunch (got out of class early) and she walked past me with a permanent marker and drew a circle with an X through it on the window of our back door. I asked what she was doing and she grabbed the knife out of my hands and pressed back against the stove, staring out the window like there was someone there. I was scared shitless, obviously. I'm haivng a hard time typing actually because I'm shaking thinking about it but I have to get this down.
I thought
It doesn't matter what I thought, it didn't happen. She put the knife down in a few seconds and went into the main room and sat on the couch. I followed her and sat down kind of far away, asking what I could do to help. She told me...fuck, I'm so angry and confused I can barely get this out. Bear with me.
She said she didn't want to say HIS name. Fucking back to all-caps HIM. He (or fucking HE) was outside, she said. The whole time she kept looking over my shoulder out the window and I looked over too, but there wasn't fucking anyone out there! Nobody! Nothing was even moving!
And then I suddenly remembered that I'd seen that fucking X symbol on the internet before. Because about a year ago I was messing around on TV Tropes and stumbled on this stupid fucking internet myth called Slenderman (and no I'm not going to link) and watched a bunch of videos on youtube (something about bees?) and read a couple of blogs which I've just realized this one kind of resembles. FUCK. Fuck me! I don't want this! They were fucking ARG's! Not even that well written, some of them!
Fuck, I just now thought of that connection. I'm so close to deleting this fucking thing off the internet but I want a record of all of this shit. I don't know why. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

ok. This is 10 minutes later. I spent ten minutes crying. Sorry.

I know this fucking stupid thing isn't real. I know it's just a game people on the internet play. I thought it was kind of funny and cool when I read it, like a role-playing game or something, or just a new way of telling a story. My best guess is that Jill stumbled on the myth like I did and got way, way too involved, and now she thinks it's real. Thank GOD I didn't link her to it. I don't think I could live with myself if I did and she reacted like this.
I shouldn't have done this but when I realized what Jill was freaking out about I started yelling at her. I said it's only a fucking stupid internet thing and she said, and I will remember this forever, "Please, please keep thinking that, Ali." And all the time her eyes glued to that window. I'd be so much less scared for her if she tried to convince me, because if she's that far gone that she's trying to protect ME? Fucking hell, it's bad. I googled the Slenderman while Jill was sitting on the couch and found a page on a site called Know Your Meme about his origins. When I shoved the laptop in front of her face she looked down for a second and then back to the window, and she says "I saw him when I was little and I'm seeing him now, I don't care what that shit says." And then she didn't move, no matter what I did. She went catatonic. I've never seen it before and I never want to again.
I called the ambulance when she didn't respond to me. The EMT's were there for about 15 minutes and I don't remember what they did, it's kind of a blur. I remember telling them about the stupid internet thing and showing them the webpage on my laptop, like that would help. I think one of them sat me down and shut me up, good for him. They called her mom and took her to the hospital and her mom called me an hour ago and told me they were headed back to Tempe, probably for a long time. She said she'd be back for Jill's stuff in a few days and asked if I could get her school things together. I haven't been able to open Jill's closed door. Every time I get near it I start shaking.
I hate this. I'm 20 years old, I'm still a fucking kid. Jill is still a kid too even if she's 21. I don't want this to be my junior year. Somebody tell me this is just a dream.

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