I found the fish

..and the context has hit a bit close to home.
First let's get the obligatory update out of the way: Saw BSG on campus yesterday but from a distance. I don't know if he saw me or not. He's got a new hat, it looks insanely stupid. It's a cheapy fedora, looks like he bought it at Hot Topic or something. It's making it a little bit hard to keep being nervous about him.
No sign of the monster, although I've been jumping at shadows more than usual recently. Haven't talked to my friends in a little while, but I'm due to have dinner with Jess tonight so that's good.

On the subject of blogs...I'm not going to start calling myself a Keeper like a lot of you are doing. I mean, no offense or anything, it's just...I don't know how that'll help, and I'm not ready to take on a responsibility that I A). don't really understand and B). probably can't actually shoulder. And I guess...I don't know, just hang on, everyone who's fighting.

I'm kind of trying to avoid the topic at hand.
I found this blog, Icthyological, through The Tutorial. Frankly I can't believe I didn't find it sooner, as the girl who ran it posted frequently on M's blog, and M even drew his own (X) and fish and posted a picture in this post. Which is entitled Fish. Obviously I need to do closer readings.

So the blog, Icthyological...it's by a girl from Tempe, Arizona. Where Jill was from (God I just typed "is" instead of "was" and my heart skipped a beat). And what happens to this girl is awful. If I didn't know I'd shrug it off, but I do, and...it's so bad.

As far as my fish goes (because I'm getting all possessive over a chalk drawing of a fish?), the comments on that post and the next indicate that a few people are drawing fish as some kind of message. Hope or something. It sounds sort of sweet but ultimately meaningless, and then I remember that when I saw the fish, even in conjunction with the (X), I did feel better. And somehow that's even stranger than accepting the monster.

So I drew a fish on my front step in white chalk. Like the (X) carved into my baseball bat, it can't hurt and it might help. There are all these little talismans that I feel like I need now, though I have never been superstitious. I suppose it makes sense with the OCD, actually. Sometimes I can trick myself into not doing things in groups of three, or stepping on cracks, if I tell myself I have a talisman that exempts me from the rules. Maybe I should make a talisman I can carry around with me, the (X) or something. Actually that's not a terrible idea.

Anyway, I'm not even sure what I'm saying in this entry. I'm tired, and I have a bad headache, and whatever was wrong with the lights last semester has come back, so my landlord's going to see about it. Hopefully he can actually fix it rather than it going away on its' own, although really either would be fine. It's just that this constant flickering makes it really hard to concentrate on anything, and I still have two proposals to write because apparently I didn't feel eough like shit already.

Sorry guys. Man, I just keep apologizing, don't I.