Thursday, February 17, 2011


I can't believe I still care about stuff like this when I'm being stalked by a goddamn unbelieveable monster, but I do.
...this keeps dancing around the edges of my posts, so let's just get it all out now. I'm not over Kevin, I don't think I ever was, and he finally texted me yesterday. Just one word. "Hey".
And like a fucking idiot I pretend he never stopped talking to me. I send a happy text back to him with exclamation points galore, and he responds, and I respond, and for ten minutes it's like none of this ever happened. It all goes away.
And then it's right back again because after I finished inviting him over on saturday, my mom called and said she'd mailed the pictures.

I think...I think if the pictures are what I know they will be (and I am praying that I'm wrong), I'm going to try to remember. I googled "triggering repressed memories" and got a method called EMDR as a possibility...I think I'm going to try it with tapping in the background or something, and just sit in my house and think about the forests behind my old house in Flagstaff. I might try it drunk. I don't know.
This is a bad idea, and I know it. I should be doing this (if I do it at all) with a psychiatrist and a support system and by working up to it, rather than alone and in a bad frame of mind and with no safety net, but...I can't have a safety net. That would mean I'm infecting someone else (if they don't think I'm already crazy). I can't do that.

I don't know, guys. I think instead of getting used to the fear I just get more and more tired, my headaches just get worse and worse, I find it harder to get out of bed and check the internet to find out if anyone else is hurt, or dead, or worse.

I'll let you know when the drawings get here.


  1. Actually, talking with Kevin is good; it'll give you something to focus on rather than Slender Man, it'll help you stay sane.

    "I think I'm going to try it with tapping in the background or something, and just sit in my house and think about the forests behind my old house in Flagstaff. I might try it drunk. I don't know."

    I wouldn't recommend it Ali, and here's why:

    "During the second phase of treatment, the therapist ensures that the client has adequate methods of handling emotional distress and good coping skills, and that the client is in a relatively stable state. If further stabilization is required, or if additional skills are needed, therapy focuses on providing these. The client is then able to use stress reducing techniques whenever necessary, during or between sessions."

    If there's one thing certain about your emotional state right now, it isn't stable. Take a break from all of this; go hang out with your friends at the University, try to have some fun. Do this for a couple of days before you try to unlock any memories. If you try to do this now, you're probably (although I certainly hope not) trigger a severe panic attack, and that would be very, very bad. Just try to relax, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.


  2. Thanks Scott. If the pictures come back, I'm going to make sure I'm in a...well, a good state of mind seems like a little bit too much to hope for at this point, but I'm going to try and start out calm and lucid, at least.

  3. Hey, I stumbled on your blog a while ago and have been catching up. Sorry to hear about your friend, and all the crap that's been dumped on you since then.

    I just wanted to say, be safe. I've never seen this guy, so I don't wholeheartedly believe in him. But... it sounds like (from what I've read) that is a good thing. At any rate, I hope that you can find the answers you're looking for and stay sane and safe.

    I will be rooting for you!

  4. @Walkingstarlight: Thank you so much. It means a lot knowing that people care...