I can't believe I still care about stuff like this when I'm being stalked by a goddamn unbelieveable monster, but I do.
...this keeps dancing around the edges of my posts, so let's just get it all out now. I'm not over Kevin, I don't think I ever was, and he finally texted me yesterday. Just one word. "Hey".
And like a fucking idiot I pretend he never stopped talking to me. I send a happy text back to him with exclamation points galore, and he responds, and I respond, and for ten minutes it's like none of this ever happened. It all goes away.
And then it's right back again because after I finished inviting him over on saturday, my mom called and said she'd mailed the pictures.
I think...I think if the pictures are what I know they will be (and I am praying that I'm wrong), I'm going to try to remember. I googled "triggering repressed memories" and got a method called EMDR as a possibility...I think I'm going to try it with tapping in the background or something, and just sit in my house and think about the forests behind my old house in Flagstaff. I might try it drunk. I don't know.
This is a bad idea, and I know it. I should be doing this (if I do it at all) with a psychiatrist and a support system and by working up to it, rather than alone and in a bad frame of mind and with no safety net, but...I can't have a safety net. That would mean I'm infecting someone else (if they don't think I'm already crazy). I can't do that.
I don't know, guys. I think instead of getting used to the fear I just get more and more tired, my headaches just get worse and worse, I find it harder to get out of bed and check the internet to find out if anyone else is hurt, or dead, or worse.
I'll let you know when the drawings get here.