Wednesday, February 23, 2011

still here

Sorry about the ending of the last post...I was, um, obviously very upset. Still am. But I'm calmer now. It's amazing what some good sleep and an ativan will do for my peace of mind (not much, as it turns out, but enough).

Scott, thanks. You're a sweetheart...your comment made me tear up a little, but in a good way if that makes any sense. It's weird how much I'm depending on these comments to keep going...

I forgot to tag the last post, I've fixed it now. And I'm not going to school today, obviously. I don't know what I'm going to do about my GPA this semester, and then I look at the bruises on my arms and legs and wonder why the hell I'm worried about my GPA anyway.

Caught up on the blogs though, and what the hell is happening at White Elephants, I don't understand any of it. Maybe I'm not important enough for redlight or redlights or whatever the hell. Look I'm glad. I think I'm a terrible person for this but sometimes I feel like half these blogs that I follow like they're reeal are just's impossible to know, isn't it? I wish I could be like some of them though. So sure that what they're doing is right. I'm so lost all the time, I can't figure out these puzzles, and I'm so fucking fucked up that I feel guilty for wishing Daniel ill even though he tried to kill me. But for God's sake, I'm a pacifist, I don't want anyone to die, not really, but the thought of him makes me so angry and afraid...I always thought that I'd be one of those people who forgives. Jess gets angry and gets even, she's tough, if someone tried to hurt her she'd hurt them right back. Kevin would get revenge, but not for himself- only if someone he loved were hurt. Jill would have protected me. She spent all that time trying to protect me and I ran full speed ahead past her barricades...I never said I'd be good at this.

This entry is useless. I'll scan the pictures later, tell you what happens with Daniel and the police later, do everything else later too I suppose. For now I'm just going to go back to sleep.

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