Saturday, February 12, 2011

Everything's ok at the moment (ha)

Jesus Christ, bloggers.
I wish...fuck. I wish Darby was still alive, let's start with that. He commented a few times here and he was...well, I'm not going to say I liked his methods, but he was a human and he was good to people, and now he's dead.
I'm glad Robert and Reach are alive though. Thank God. I only checked this once everything was over so I missed most of the anxiety.
As for the rest of you...I say this so often. I wish I could come up with something better than telling you to stay safe, be careful, keep up hope- it's all so impotent. I'd come riding in on a white horse to save every one of you if I could, but obviously I'm just one more scared kid in the woods. I don't even have a clue.

About the title of the blog- even though everything's fucked up for you guys, nothing's happened to me recently. No sign of the monster today, or yesterday. I slept a few hours at most both nights, and actually on Thursday night I had to sleep in my closet with the door closed because there are windows in every room of the house.

...that makes me sound like a crazy person. Great.

I've been forcing myself to get out of the house and go to class, which...well, frankly, I didn't think I had it in me. I was certain that if I ever saw it I'd be so traumatized I'd never leave the house- in fact, I kept having this vision of myself seeing it and just dying of fear on the spot. But I'm still here, somewhat sane (although I'm sure if any of my friends saw this they'd disagree) and I've left my house and gone to class and acted like nothing's wrong. It helps. It's not denial, just...avoiding unproductive paths of thinking. At least, I hope that's what it is, rather than me being in denial about being in denial...
Okay, enough of that. What else is there to say?

I saw Daniel yesterday, or at least I thought I did. Just someone with a fedora ducking around the side of the video rental place by my house...did I mention how stupid his fedora looks? It's almost enough to make me forget he's working for a thing that shouldn't exist, and probably wants to kill me...

I've sort of given up on the police making any progress on Jill's case. The handwriting analysis revealed only that H. wrote the "CLAIM HER" note as well. They have no idea who H. is. And I've been having these terrible headaches, and feeling like shit in general...I don't know. This is a worthless post. But I'm still writing it.

I'm scared all the time now. Writing (X) on my windows again, sleeping with my bat next to me, keeping the blinds in my bedroom closed at all costs. I keep having dreams that I can't remember, but I wake up shaking, certain that when I open my eyes that fucking thing will be staring right back. Stupid to say that something without eyes can stare, stupid to say something without a face can look at me. And then there's the headaches...there's nothing I can do to distract myself. I'm flailing around like an idiot, missing my friends and locking myself in my room and staring out the's all so confusing and I just want to sleep through the night.

I don't know how you guys deal with this. Literally every noise makes my heart stop, every movement is the monster, everything...God. How do you live like this? Does it ever get better? Do you get used to this fucking thing or does it just subside and then spring up again like it's doing now?
I am hoping against hope that it's the former. Because right now, I'm so scared that this is all there is, forever.

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