Just to say-

-I just got a brand new laptop! And by "brand new" I mean actually fairly old and not working so amazingly. I picked it up at a university sale the other day, and I've been getting it cleaned up and ready to work. It took a pretty long time, too, because I'm really, really bad with computers. Luckily Jess stopped by to help me fix it up.

Yes, I am talking to people again, making an effort to go out and have fun. And I got my locks changed last week. Also: I un-privated my email, so if you guys want to email me for whatever reason, it's available through my profile.

And of course, since no entry is complete without her: Jill posted on twitter again over thanksgiving break,  just once. I don't know what the post means or whether she's talking about a real person, a metaphor, or a figment of her imagination. Her mom called again and asked if I knew anything else, and I told her the police know everything I do. I feel terrible for her mom. She doesn't seem to have much of a support system.

Wow, this entry was supposed to be a short note. Sorry guys.

Not Jill, Alice.

No word on Jill, no updates on her twitter, no emails, nothing. I did get a comment from this guy Pete, who's running one of the slenderman blogs that Jill posted on. He and Jill have apparently been emailing. Weirdly, he says she told him she was heading south, while her twitter says she's headed north...I'll keep you informed (she said, to the still mostly nonexistent audience)

I went home for Thanksgiving, back up to my mom's house in Flagstaff. It was nice to forget about Tucson for a while, even if I did have to head home today to spend the entire weekend working on an art project. We don't have big Thanksgivings in my family, usually- just me, Mom, Ted, Andrew, and Aunt Caroline. Sometimes Andrew and I bring friends, but this year it was just us, and I was kind of glad. Andrew makes some amazing mashed potatoes by the way.
I think it's a good thing that I quit reading the blogs, because there were a few scary moments when I was walking around outside where I thought I saw the slenderman in amongst the trees...it was a pretty obvious mistake to make, actually. Mom's house is near a stand of aspen trees, which look like this in the winter:

So yeah, it's obviously totally shocking that I thought I saw a tall, skinny person dressed in black with a white head in amongst the branches that look a lot like spidery legs. And before you guys get all paranoid, yes, I did investigate every time, and every time it turned out to be nothing but shadows.



Internet memes aside, the holiday was good. Just what I needed to calm down a little.

I want to talk about my Grandma a little bit. If the people who are following this are only interested in the Jill portion of this blog, I'm telling you right now that this isn't related, but it is kind of important to me. I'm probably going to get a little maudlin too, fair warning.

Grandma Alice was another part of the little family that was formed when my mom and dad got divorced and Mom moved in with Aunt Caroline. Grandma Alice is their mom, and she lived with us until her death when I was twelve.

My Grandma was an amazing woman. She's the person I hold up as my inspiration, the person I want to become. She was born in Michigan to Norweigian immigrant farmers, and when her father was killed in WWII she and her two brothers had to quit school and work full time to keep their farm. They lost it anyway. They moved west in the late 50's, and settled in Flagstaff, where she met my Grandpa and they got married. She worked as a high school art teacher for most of her life, and loved painting especially. She was also an early feminist. I remember asking her when I was little why she never wore skirts like every other old lady I'd seen, and she told me that she hadn't worn a skirt since she was sixteen years old, because she didn't like to do what a bunch of stuck up rich men told her to do. She taught my mom and Aunt Caroline when they were growing up that they were as good as any man, that they could never let anyone tell them they couldn't do something, that we lived in an unequal society and that they could change that. She told the same things to me when I was a kid.

Grandma Alice and I were always very close. My Grandpa died of throat cancer before I was born, and I don't know my dad's parents at all- he never talked about it, but I think there was a lot of bad blood there. But Grandma Alice was home all the time when I was little, and she taught me how to draw and paint, how to play piano, and she never, ever discouraged me from doing something unorthodox or strange. She once let me go to the store with her covered in blue paint from head to toe, and when the cashier asked what was had happened to me, she looked at me proudly and said "Isn't she fantastic?"

She died suddenly, of a stroke, when I was about twelve years old. Today is the anniversary of her death, and every year since it happened I've drawn her a picture. I still miss her, but every year around this time I get an incredible feeling of comfort, like she knows I still care and she's giving me a hug and telling me I'm fantastic again. I need that feeling more than usual this year. I love you, Grandma. See you next November.

Scans

Yeah well, here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for. Rad.
I'm not sure why I don't feel bad about posting these anymore. I guess I've accepted what this blog looks like, and if I keep saying that this isn't real and posting about the way this myth fucks up people who think it IS real, maybe someone will listen...I don't even know. I feel like shit, I'm failing classes, and there's been no word from Jill, not even cryptic messages.

So here's the notebook, gawkers. You can click for the full version.

This is where it starts, about halfway through the notebook, which is for Russian. The first part is her notes, and then I'm not sure if the Russian after "nonliving masculine" is notes or not, but after "step on a crack break your mothers back", it's definately her breakdown.

Beneath the large letters, it says "imscared" very small.



This is the facing page. It's in permanent marker with blue pen scribbled all over it. First appearance of that X symbol too, assuming she drew the stuff on the covers of the notebook later.

By the way, a note about the X symbol on the front and back cover of the notebook: It's drawn over and over again, sometimes with different colored pens and markers. I think she kept retracing it over a long period of time.

Back of page 2. We have first the line "stems and bones and stone walls too" which is a line from the Decemberists' song Yankee Bayonets (we both like the Decemberists, I recognized it right away). The second line gave me a bit of trouble, but after googling it it's apparently a line from Burning For You, by Blue Oyster Cult. 

Then after that, in a different pen, we have "Did I just fall from your arms, down into your hands", which is a line from Out In The Cold, by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. This is kind of weird, as that particular line always used to creep me out when I was younger (my dad's a huge Tom Petty fan and I pretty much grew up with his music).

Then we have this tree with weird roots, which is actually really good drawing for Jill. Not to speak ill of someone who's missing, but she's admitted herself that she's not good at art. Below that is a stick figure girl who kind of has a similar hairstyle to Jill, so I'm going to go with that being a drawing of herself.

There's a blank page before this one, which, after reading the blogs, I can confidently say shows slenderman menacing Jill and some other girl. Again, the drawing of slenderman is pretty good for Jill, he's got shoulders and everything.

I'm not sure but I think the other girl is either me or Jess. We've both got sort of long wavy-ish hair. This also creeped me out. 

The facing page to this is mostly blank, it just has a little nursery rhyme.

"1 2 buckle my shoe

3 4 shut the door 

5 6 arms like sticks

7 8 too late"

and then under that: "no RUSSIAN dammit dont let her read this".

I think Jill was trying to protect me. Fucking awesome. /sarcasm

This is the next page:

Again, slenderman menaces somebody, either me, Jess, or some third girl I haven't thought of yet. Slenderman is not so well drawn here, but I don't think that means anything.

The person at the bottom is probably Jill, and she's in a dark place (probably?) with either a full moon or her buddy slenderman again. God, I shouldn't be making snarky comments, what the fuck.

There's a long stretch of blank pages, and then a bunch of paper crap in the binding, like she tore a bunch of pages out. Then this:

Judging by what I could see on some of the other remnants of torn out pages, she filled at least four pages front and back with the word "slender" written over and over again.

Not like I need to point this out, but this is so fucked up.

This is a few pages after the page of blog URLs, which I didn't scan because it's just links.

Looks like slenderman standing over someone (probably Jill?) who is either floating or walking backwards on her hands...? I'm not sure what's going on in this picture actually.

Second to last page in the book, after a series of blank ones. Slenderman standing over probably Jill again, this time a lot more hunched. She ripped through the paper a couple of times shading his body.

Probably Jill isn't floating in this picture, more like just lying on the ground. She's shaded her body a little bit too, I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean (maybe there's something on top of her?), and she's lying on a shaded area too (either in a pool of something or just her showing that she's on the ground?)

There's some tally marks written below and then scribbled out, but there's 51 all together. Don't know what that means either.

The last page is just this:

And then on the back of that is the letter she wrote to me, which I transcribed here. It's the only thing in pencil in the entire notebook. 

Well there you go, the fucking scans are up. Now you can stare at my friend's craziness all you want.

No, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a bitch, I'm just really upset and helpless...my life seems to be falling apart recently. Obviously.

Who knows, maybe Jill will come home and I can somehow pass all my classes and find an awesome boyfriend and we can all live together in the house I'll buy with my lottery winnings.

Happy fucking thanksgiving.

More contact, and tracing Jill

First things first: I got another email from Jill. She was barely coherent. This is what it said:

999999999NO NO NO FOCUS
(X)Ali(X) OH хочет меня. ЭTO в моей голове. ЭTO заставляет меня халоед.  я не магу нет. я ни могу сопротивляться. Я не могу бороться.

imightdie
такчтоOHнепринимаетменя

говорить с (X)Зеро(X) потому что (X)он(X) пытался мне помочь. Скажите (X)ему(X) что это была не (X)его(X) вина. (X)он(X) был не достаточно но (X)он(X) все равно. Скажите (X)ему(X) я извиняюсь.

Thisisnotyourfaultthisisnotanyonesfaultbutmineandthemonster

ITRIEDBUTITWASNOTENOUGHNEVERENOUGH
тонкиерукиобнятьменя
allthebettertostrangleyouwith
но он любит меня. этот  комфорта. этот объятие.

ОН придет для меня и сделать меня своим агентом или он убьет меня

Пожалуйста, пусть он просто меня убить

999999999 999999999 999999999 999999999 999999999 999999999 999999999 999999999 999999999 999999999 999999999

Once again, the groups of nine 9's (this time there are 12 total) and the X's, although this time a lot fewer of them. And, once again, the Russian, which I translated with all X's removed, and spaced out the english for easier reading:

OH wants me. ETO in my head. ETO makes me haloed. I can not say no. I never can resist. I can not fight.

i might die
takchtoOHneprinimaetmenyatalk to Zero because he tried to help me. Tell him that it was not his fault. it was not enough but it does not matter. Tell him I'm sorry.This is not your fault this is not anyones fault but mine and the monsterI TRIED BUT IT WAS NOT ENOUGH NEVER ENOUGHtonkierukiobnyatmenyaall the better to strangle you withbut he loves me. this comfort. This hug.

He comes to me and make me your agent, or he would kill mePlease let him just kill me


This sounds like a fucking suicide note.

I talked to the police about Jill's twitter, which has been updated once since I found it and then apparently went silent, and they're checking it out. The detail about 18 days is of interest to them. That'd be the 9th of December, for those too lazy to look at a calender.

Let's talk about blogs for a minute.
I think the Zero she's talking about in her email is the guy who writes A hint of serendipity, where Jill has commented once, that I've found, on Nov. 18, which was the same day she emailed me with the picture and the Russian. Her comment was half in Russian too, but translated it was basically

You're ok. Thank god. I'm.Fuck, I can't type it. OH oversees and monitors. I know this beautiful comfort.I'm glad you're ok.

In response to him being hospitalized for drinking some substance or other.
This dude Zero seems to be slightly losing it too.

And I'm done with blogs, for now. I've got them saved in a folder on my favorites menu, but beyond that I'm not going to touch them. I know I can probably help her a little more if I know more about the slenderman myths, but frankly it's far too stressful to read horror stories that my friend believes are real. I haven't been sleeping well lately and my grades are going downhill again, so as selfish as it sounds I have to take care of myself and put this blog stuff away for a little while.

I haven't talked to any of my friends in a week, not even Kevin.

...and more blogs, plus Jill appears online.

As of this point I've caught up with The Tutorial, Testing, 1 2 3, A Really Bad Joke, Anomalous Data, and White Elephants. And guess who commented on the first two blogs? That's right, my roomate and good friend decided that instead of asking someone she knows for help, she'd ask two strangers on the internet.
The posts were made on the same day- October 22. This was when she was in Phoenix for the second time. This is what she said, copy/pasted from Testing, 1 2 3 (I'm tired of italicising, sorry guys)

I posted on M's blog too, anyone who's trying to help us, copy/pasted from there.
IT's been outside my house for weeks. I made a mistake and lost it in front of my roomate. She got my mom to take me back home and I thought it would help but IT followed me back here he didn't do it last time I was home but now IT's here too and I'm so scared I don't know what to do.
IT isn't here now but IT'll be back I know it. Don't know why I didn't look at the blogs about IT before but please, you help people right? I'm just 21, I don't want to die. What do I do?

No more posts from her on The Tutorial, but it also hasn't updated since (and by the way, whoever's writing it? You might want to post again, it took me an hour to get through all your comments).
She did post one more time on Testing, 123, though, on Nov. 9 (after she disappeared). It was on the post about how the guy from White Elephants left. All she said was:

Oh thank god your ok. I knew you weren't dead. Thank god.

This in response to the last post made on White Elephants, where he says that this guy Shaun who runs Testing, 123 was out of comission.

Through the Blogger profile thing I found out that she has a twitter, as well...http://twitter.com/#!/jill_running. And it looks like her delusions are getting worse. At least she mentioned that she's going north...I'm going to give that adress to the police as well, and maybe they can track her IP adress or something. I doubt they're expending that much effort though, frankly. She's a grown woman even if she is going crazy, and with the border issues in AZ recently (google SB1070, I'm too tired to talk about it) they've been busy.

I don't know why I keep posting here and looking at these blogs. I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess...I was driving home last night and got scared by a shadow in the prickly pears on my street because it looked like a tall thin guy. Maybe I should stop, but now that there's a possibility of finding out about Jill...

Blogs

Last night, after I got that email from Jill, I did something that probably wasn't very intelligent. I started looking at all of the URLs she'd left for me in her awesome little notebook.
There were only a couple of sites written down, but I started following links, and so I ended up reading quite a few.

I'm not angry at any of these people. They didn't mean for Jill to start believing their stories, and like I mentioned in an earlier post, I read a few about a year ago and took them as what they are- games. I did end up finding the things I'd seen earlier (those being the Marble Hornets video series and Seeking Truth, a blog) and catching up on them- both have apparently ended and then restarted in the time since I've last seen them. Marble Hornets was one of the links Jill wrote for me. The others were The Tutorial, Testing, 1 2 3, Anomalous Data, White Elephants, and Just Another Fool. The last three seem to have ended. The ones I found myself through links are Road to the Heavens, A hint of serendipity, The World That Never Was, A Really Bad Joke, A Rainbow Life, and Vivere disce.

I'm not linking to any of these by the way.

I'm still in the process of reading through most of them, and there's a few more that I abandoned simply because they weren't very well written. The only ones I've finished are Just Another Fool and Seeking Truth. Right now I'm reading through The Tutorial, because it's relatively short and it seems to be the one Jill is the most fixated on, given her "get up high" advice in the notebook.

I'll say this for these blogs: They're good at keeping up suspense. I read through all of Seeking Truth last night, and ended up not getting to sleep until like 3 am because it was pretty fascinating stuff. I can see where you could get addicted to things like this.
So far I think Just Another Fool is the best written blog I've seen so far, at least from a classical writing standpoint. I have to admit that despite the situation with Jill, I enjoyed it a lot. I think it's not one of the more realistic blogs, but it's got some really interesting ideas, including the ties to Norse mythology which are really quite well done (I'm of Norweigian descent and my grandma Alice used to read myths to Andrew and I when we were kids). The connection to Yggdrasill, the world tree, was kind of cool, as was the story's parallel to a myth about Odin giving up one of his eyes for knowledge. There was a level of symbolism in the story that doesn't seem to be present in any of the other blogs so far.

As for Seeking Truth, it definately drew me in. I started crying when Zeke found out about Lizzie's obsession, because the way she was written was so like how Jill had acted. I liked the characterization and the way the story was paced, but the premise wasn't that realistic. I mean, come on, why would a police officer post case-sensitive details on a blog?

I guess this is kind of a long and somewhat shitty post. I'm mostly thinking out loud here.
I'm probably going to spend a lot of my weekend reading blogs and watching videos (in fact I'm kind of a wuss and I can't watch Marble Hornets at night- I tried, but the second video creeped me out so badly that I had to stop). But I feel like by reading up on this slenderman mythos, I can understand Jill a little better, and maybe figure out how to help her. Even if reading these things sometimes makes me feel sick or scared or unhappy.

Can anyone give me more links to sites I might have missed?

Emails again

Yep, still no scans. I guess I've committed to showing them at some point but this is a little more urgent...I got another email from Jill.
It was all in Russian (I think I mentioned on here that she's in her 2nd year of Russian) but since it was typed I was able to copy/paste it into a translator so I know what she was saying roughly. Here's the Russian version:

999999999
(X)Али(X) OH голоден и (X)я(X) усталa и глупо. ОH убьет меня. (X)Человек(X) болен и (X)я(X) бегу но я не достаточно быстро. ОH убьет меня. ОH убьет меня. ОH убьет меня. OH убьет всех нас. ОН становится голодным. ОН наблюдает ОH придет ОH придет чтобы убить (X)меня(X) OH ждет но OH терпелив и OH не будет долго ждать

(X)Али(X)пожалуйстапомните(X)меня(X)когда(X)я(X)умру
999999999
999999999

Here's the translation. I took out the (X)'s to help it make better sense, and in the last thing I think the (X)'s denote spaces, or at least I got a more understandable result than when I ran it all together as one word.

Ali OH hungry and I'm tired and stupid. OH would kill me. A person is sick and I'm running but I'm not fast enough. OH would kill me. OH would kill me. OH would kill me. OH will kill us all. He becomes hungry. He observes OH OH will come to kill me waiting but OH OH OH and the patient will not be long in coming
 Ali pozhaluystapomnite me when I die

I don't know why there are 3 groups of nine 9's. I don't know...fuck, I don't understand any of this. She's sending these things and I don't know how to help her other than to keep telling the police about what's happening, but I feel so helpless...
Oh yeah, and there was a picture attached. I know I shouldn't post it (more fuel to the fires of...whatever this is turning out to be) but I'm so tired and confused.

It's a heavily edited photo of the view out of her window, darkened to the point where the shrubbery in front of the window pane is almost black. This is obviously taken before she drew shit on her windows, because there's no trace of that X symbol on the glass...I can't believe she took the time to edit this picture to add blur effects and up the contrast. The way her email sounds she's barely coherent.

If anyone can tell me what that one word in the last sentence of her email means, I'd be really grateful. And I'm going to repeat my question: If anyone knows Russian, please tell me.

I hate this so much.

Whoa.

I got back from a nice weekend in Flagstaff (Happy 20th, Andrew! Enjoy being as old as me for the month and a half that you get!) and then was immediately flattened by schoolwork, and haven't been able to get online until now.
The first thing I did when I finally got a chance to get on the computer was check my email. No reply from Jill...but there's been a startling jump in the audience numbers for this blog. I checked my stats and it says most of you came from a livejournal group called ONTD Creepy. I have sort of conflicted feelings about this, because I think this means that this is turning into a slenderman blog, or at least it's percieved as such...let's be clear about this: I don't believe that an internet meme is trying to kill my friend. I think she believes that, but at this point nothing supernatural has happened to her or me that can't be explained.
That's not to say that I don't appreciate you guys reading this. I don't know who you are of course, but the fact that someone's interested in my silly little corner of the internet is kind of gratifying. I'd say stick around for more excitement, but frankly I'm hoping that all this "excitement" goes away and Jill gets home safe.

Well, I guess now that I have an audience I can put you to use- if anyone reads Russian or knows someone who does, comment? I'm kind of at a loss for what to do about these journals.

Also, I changed the layout of the blog because the comment button was in a really hard to find place. Hopefully this will encourage you guys to say something to me? I'm not too wild about the dark color scheme, but this is the best of limited options, since I'm not really good with computers.

More

No scans as of yet...I still haven't decided whether or not to post them. I turned the notebook in to the police and if they give me a translation I won't post at all, but they said they probably won't, and it's making me crazy not to be able to understand what she wrote. Obviously I can't translate it on google either, because I don't know how to type with russian letters, and I can't really read her cursive either.

There is some english in the notebook, including the last page.

This is a transcript of that page, because it's hard to read and I want to keep it somewhere. By the way, that "only" spelled "onlly" is not a typo, that's literally what it says in the notebook. She's normally got excellent spelling.

No more hiding. I took this notebook when I ran and if you're looking at it now you need to run too. Ali you have to believe me I tried to keep (X)IT(X) away from you but (X)IT(X) wants you too. That's why I was so scared when you showed (X)IT(X) on the internet because if you already know it's easier for (X)IT(X) to infect. I didn't want this to happen. I'm so so sorry
There's a list of blogs in the middle of this book and you should read them ONLLY IF YOU SEE (X)IT(X). The most important rule is this: stay up high.
I'm so sorry Ali I tried so hard...you're one of my best friends. I don't blame you if you hate me and if anything bad happens to me it is not your fault there was nothing you could do. I just have to warn you. you have to be prepared.

Tell my mom I love her.

(X)

If you're like me, you didn't get this on the first read-through, so let me point it out: "I took this notebook when I ran." "When you showed me it on the internet."
She had this notebook with her in phoenix the second time, and took it with her when she left on the 30th. Which meant that after she left, sometime between then and the 9th, she got into our house and planted this notebook in the bathroom cupboard. Which means she still has the key to the house, and which means that when I freaked out because I thought someone had closed the bathroom door while I was in class I wasn't being an idiot, I was right.

Jill broke into my house and then left again.

I don't know how I feel about this. I'm worried for her for the obvious reasons, but the idea of a girl who's grasp on sanity is kind of loose right now having access to my home isn't that exciting. I pointed it out to the police and they told me to change my locks, but I don't know how I feel about that either. Because it seems like I'm locking my friend out permanently.

I'm going to be in Flagstaff for the weekend anyway. It's time to come clean to Mom and Ted about what's been happening in my life, and it's Andrew's birthday so I'm going to be up anyways. Maybe Mom will know what to do.

Jill emailed me

I fucking hate this so much but I'm glad she's at least talking to me.

As background info: Jill usually uses her university email, or at least that's where all the emails I got from her are from.
So about 20 minutes ago I checked my email for the first time today, and found an email from a new address, but it's still definately Jill. How do I know? It's from "jill_running". Not good. So I read the email, which I've copy/pasted here for your convenience (again, who the hell am I even talking to?)

IT doesn't have time for me right now but i have to run have to get away from the city and the trees and birds
Ali please dont look for me please tell my mom not to look for me
Tell everyone at home that i love them and not to look for me because i might be safe but it's not save to call
I am Clinging to all of your love and if im lucky that will be enough

Mom Ali Jess Christian Maura Kelly Stephen Tevan Mimi Joey Sam (note: the other names here are more close friends of hers)

i am going to the desert and IT will folow


Then like a full page of (X) repeated over and over, which I guess is the x symbol she kept drawing around the house, and then at the very bottom:

dont look if you dont see IT but if you see IT look behind the bathroom mirror then RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

And more (X). I emailed her back of course, asking if she was ok, where she was, and if she didn't want to tell me at least keep talking to me, keep emailing me. And then I went and looked behind the bathroom mirror. I'm not going to abide by her wishes when she's obviously not in her right mind.
I actually didn't know that the mirror opened, but lo and behold there was a little medicine cabinet behind it, and in the cabinet were a bunch of surgical masks with that fucking X drawn on them (it was drawn on the back of the cabinet too), a sharpie, a lighter, a small boxcutter or retractable knife (alarming) and a notebook. It was what she'd used to take notes for her Russian class. More x symbols on the front and back, and about halfway through it stopped being notes and started being...other stuff. I'm scanning the pages, because I'm going to turn it in to the police tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I'll post here...I'm kind of leaning towards it, because I'm trying to collect info about all of this in one place and some of it's in Russian (I can't translate it on my own), but on the other hand I think it's pushing this back towards a slenderman blog which I fucking hate.

Here's a photo of the cabinet, though. I think that's safe.

These are the surgical masks. They look kind of like nothing when they're folded up...

...but when you open them up it's that X thing again.

Sorry about the weird pictures on top of my toilet, I actually don't care that much. We'll see about the rest of it later. Maybe there will be scans, maybe not. If any of my phantom readers speak any Russian, let me know. I only know rudimentary Spanish.

Police and Kevin

Fuck, why am I still writing this thing.

Jill is still missing. The police called on friday and asked me to come in and give a statement about her, so I did that on saturday. I actually typed up some notes from this blog, and they were pleased with how accurate I was at recounting things, so I guess that answers the question I just asked...Anyway, I ended up telling them about the slenderman connection and all that as well. There's no point trying to protect her dignity from the police if every bit of information helps, right?
So on sunday Kevin and I posted fliers all around Tucson.

Can I be a jackass and talk about myself for a little bit? Of course I can, this is a blog, ancestral home of jackasses.

Kevin's girlfriend Sarah doesn't like me. I was friends with Kevin before I met her, and we're still extremely close now that they're dating. We actually got along pretty well when they first started dating, but lately she's been kind of cold to me, and when Kevin and I were hanging flyers yesterday she called him, and when he mentioned that he was with me there was this very long pause on the other line, and the rest of their conversation was very short. He hasn't said anything about it but I think she's suspicious of my motives.
Here's the thing: I do like Kevin, a lot. In fact I was planning on asking him on a date right up until he started dating Sarah. And now's the time I'm glad I never shared this blog with any of my friends, because I've never admitted that to anyone before.
Kevin and I are very close, but we were even closer before he started dating Sarah. Or maybe I'm overstating his importance to me, because I seriously thought he liked me too, at least well enough to date for a little while. And let's be honest: When I say "like" I sound like a middle schooler or something but even though I don't want to say "love", I think the way I felt about Kevin is the closest I've ever come to falling in love.

Kevin and Sarah have been dating for a year and a half, and honestly during the beginning of their relationship I kept waiting for them to break up. Now I'm fairly certain that they're going to get married someday, and in the end I suppose she's better for him than I'd ever be. I spent almost a year in abject misery over it, and even dated a guy as sort of a replacement for Kevin, which I'm not very proud of. These days I'm almost over it, but if Kevin were available I'd ask him out in a heartbeat. But I've never let anyone know I was interested in him, and when he started dating Sarah I stopped even touching him. So it hurts that Sarah, someone who I genuinely like, is so suspicious of me, even if she has good reason, and it hurts that she's starting this up when I need Kevin the most. At the end of the day he's my best friend, apart from Andrew, and there's no ulterior motive when I ask him to do difficult things with me. It's the same as when I stayed with him when his grandmother died, or when he had mono.

So, I don't know, I've been thinking about that a lot in addition to this whole Jill thing. And to top it all off I think the empty house is making me paranoid- 2 days after Jill disappeared, when I got home from class I managed to convince myself that someone had been in my house, because the bathroom door was shut and I didn't remember closing it that morning. Stupid, right? I need to spend less time alone.