Have no regret, have no pity

God please let me just get through this one post and then You can do whatever You want to me, You can leave me for the monster, just let me finish this one last thing.

If any of my family or friends find this...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, and please please please don't read any further. If you have any respect for me, if you love me at all you will stop here and turn around and remember me like I was and not look any further at this. I love you. I love you. I love you. Close this window and never look at it again.












I went home. There were no police on duty but there was crime scene tape on the door and around the whole area and my neighbors were gone or something because everything was so still. It was hot, I was sweating and had chills running through my shoulders at the same time...I couldn't open the door for a while. I kept trying to turn the handle but my fingers wouldn't move right but I did it finally, turned the key in the lock and pushed it open looking away. And then I looked and then I looked and then I looked and then
There was blood all over. He must have
not going to think about that now. He wasn't there the police took his body. So. So I didn't see. Thank God. And he's safe somewhere and...if I'd seen him I'd go insane. I probably have. I feel like it. I'm laughing now because oh God oh Jesus who thought this would be a good idea? Who decided to put this on the girl who can't even fucking deal with school without losing it who thought I could live through this and not be crazy? I can't can't can't can't can't deal with this and I'm like a broken record but can't stop

More ativan. more red wine. yes let me get numb and tired and sick just let me type right. where was I. blood. blood blood blood all over the floor making the carpet crunch how will Mr. Martinez get the stains out for the next tenant? My bookcase knocked over and my beautiful books on the floor. didn't go into the kitchen. Couldn't.
My room next. untouched. Messy but that's how I left it. Just no change at all like they hadn't even looked in there for me. When I closed the door..(X) burned in perfect lines like someone took their skinny index finger and dragged it across the wood like it was drawing in the dust. My heart my heart
The other room where he was sleeping. Just an air matress and a suitcase and oh god my heart is breaking now please i can't Ican't

the bathroom mirror opened again. Where I found Jill's notebook and those masks remember? Where she tried to help me oh Jill oh Kevin
Stop
the mirror had a print a small hand print a woman's hand. Her hand smudged in blood and I knew she opened it because of course she knew even though no one else knew not even me
inside the mirror, just this:

me and him I can't stop crying. my sophomore year we took this in his house we were making cookies and forgot to put in any sugar and they were the worst things we'd ever had. he said we were the picture of success and took it and got actual prints of it because he likes real physical things
can't breathe this hurts this hurts
on the back

and I know. it's still a trap and a stupid obvious one and this time even my stupidity won't help because i know exactly where and what the monster wants. this time i'll be there on time.
want to know the funny part of this the really awful stupid funny part? my bat. I took it with me to flagstaff and it's sitting in my room at home where it will do no good ever, just another curiosity for my mom to wonder about when I'm gone. if i forgot it in tucson would he still be alive? So I've killed him another way that's one two three ways
but no more okay no more. Because next it'll be Aunt Caroline or Jess or Ted or Dad or Mom and no, next it'll be me and it'll stop there. It has to.

I am not letting the slender man take anyone else from me. is this enough that i'm walking into a trap that i'll die at this old dead place a mile away from a truck stop and a freeway is this enough for Jill and Grandma Alice and Andrew and Kevin? no never never never enough but it's all I can do. if I can. God forgive me and keep me because I will try to commit a mortal sin today even if I fail I can go to hell for the intent of murder right but I don't care just no more that's allI want and you, you're reading this, you're running or fighting or anything just...live, live, live because I can't anymore.

thank you for listening to me
I love you even if I'll never know you
goodbye