Thursday, June 2, 2011

In memory of Alison Brent

Hi. I feel weird doing this. My name is Jess. I don't know why Ali wanted me to do this but I guess I'll honor it even if I don't really get it.
She gave me the password to an empty blog. I mean, I remember back when Jill died last year she wanted me to help her write an entry but I don't even see that, and I could've sworn there was some other stuff too. She must have deleted it or something. I don't know why she wanted me to post, though...Anyway I guess I should start at the beginning...

My friend Ali Brent was found dead on the 26th of April, next to a metal cage suspended on a pole in an abandoned amusement park we once explored together. The police had recieved a call from someone at the scene. They said that the caller was male, younger, and that there had been gunshots in the background. They hadn't been able to trace the call, but the guy had given a street name, and when they got there they found Ali. She had been stabbed to death and then cut open, the same way as our friend Jill was found.
Ali was an amazing person. She didn't care that I was some dumbass stoner chick who read too many comics. She loved people for who they were. She was a really great artist and writer, and she was one of the most genuinely nice people I've ever known.
The woman who killed her had also killed two of our other friends, Jill and Kevin. It's hard to imagine these things happening in real life. It sounds like a slasher movie or something like that, but it happened. Even harder to believe is that the woman, whose name was Harriett McCullough, thought she was a servant of god, and when the police found her at the scene of the crime they said she was sitting under the cage talking to no one about how god had abandoned her. She'd been shot in both of her knees. The gun was never found, but the police assume it belonged to the young man. They couldn't match the ballistics or anything. You know what, though? Whoever that guy was that shot her, I like him. I hope he doesn't get caught. Harriet McCullough took three of my friends from me. She deserved worse and she ended up getting it.
She killed herself in her jail cell two weeks ago, stole some scissors from god knows where and jabbed out her eyes. No one knows where the scissors came from. She was going to death row anyway.

Last monday I got a call from Ali's cousin Andrew. This poor kid. He was in a bad car accident before Ali died, and he was in a coma when it happened. He comes out of it to find that his cousin, who was like his sister, was dead, and on top of that his head's still not totally ok. He's got vision problems now- says it's like he sees shadows on the edge of everything.
Since Ali's death we've been talking a lot, trying to help each other deal. There are so many mysteries about the whole thing- why was Ali out there? Who was the caller, and how did he know her? Why did her killer target her and Jill and Kevin? It's like Ali had this whole life that none of us knew about, and I still can't believe she hid it so well. We don't know why any of this happened, or what it means, and the hardest part is that we'll probably never know.
Anyway like I said last week Andrew called and said he'd been going through Ali's stuff and found some books with my name written in them, and he was sending them in the mail to my house in Colorado. I got the package today. She'd borrowed a Matt Ruff book and a collection of short stories by Nicola Barker, way back in January. It hurt to see them. While I was putting the books away a paper fell out of one of them, with Ali's handwriting on it, although it's really weird and kind of strained, like she was forcing herself to write. Here's what it says:

Tell them what happened to me.

And then the adress of this blog, and her username and password. So that's what I'm doing now.

I went to the abandoned amusement park with Ali about a month before she died. Her car had died, so I gave her a ride so she could get reference photos for a summer art class. I wish I could find the video she took. I don't really have that many videos of her, and barely any of Jill and Kevin, and I'm scared I'm going to forget the way they sound. I still have this stupid booklet we found while we were looking around, and it's one of the most important things I own now.
I went back a few days ago, after getting Andrew's call.
After they found her, there was a big move to get the place torn down, but I guess nothing ever gets done in Arizona because it's all still standing. Well, I guess not all. When we went there together in March, there were these lightning conducters all around the area, and when I went back they were all smashed. Ceramic all over the place, like they exploded or something. But the cages on the poles were still there, and so were the tires and even the police tape from the end of April. I could even tell which cage was the one where Ali's body was found. It was hanging at a weird angle, like someone had smashed it near the base, and...well, there was still a stain on the metal. I left flowers at the base. I wish there was something more I could do.

I'm still not sure what this blog meant to her, but I hope I did the right thing posting. I'm going to leave this up and probably never look at it again. I hope people find this and know what a great person the world lost.

Ali, I miss you so much. Kevin, Jill, I miss you too. You were some of the best friends I ever had, and I'm never going to forget you. You guys know I don't believe in god, but if there is something out there, I hope you guys are together. I'll catch up with you later. Rest in peace.

love, Jess.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Have no regret, have no pity

God please let me just get through this one post and then You can do whatever You want to me, You can leave me for the monster, just let me finish this one last thing.

If any of my family or friends find this...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, and please please please don't read any further. If you have any respect for me, if you love me at all you will stop here and turn around and remember me like I was and not look any further at this. I love you. I love you. I love you. Close this window and never look at it again.

I went home. There were no police on duty but there was crime scene tape on the door and around the whole area and my neighbors were gone or something because everything was so still. It was hot, I was sweating and had chills running through my shoulders at the same time...I couldn't open the door for a while. I kept trying to turn the handle but my fingers wouldn't move right but I did it finally, turned the key in the lock and pushed it open looking away. And then I looked and then I looked and then I looked and then
There was blood all over. He must have
not going to think about that now. He wasn't there the police took his body. So. So I didn't see. Thank God. And he's safe somewhere and...if I'd seen him I'd go insane. I probably have. I feel like it. I'm laughing now because oh God oh Jesus who thought this would be a good idea? Who decided to put this on the girl who can't even fucking deal with school without losing it who thought I could live through this and not be crazy? I can't can't can't can't can't deal with this and I'm like a broken record but can't stop

More ativan. more red wine. yes let me get numb and tired and sick just let me type right. where was I. blood. blood blood blood all over the floor making the carpet crunch how will Mr. Martinez get the stains out for the next tenant? My bookcase knocked over and my beautiful books on the floor. didn't go into the kitchen. Couldn't.
My room next. untouched. Messy but that's how I left it. Just no change at all like they hadn't even looked in there for me. When I closed the door..(X) burned in perfect lines like someone took their skinny index finger and dragged it across the wood like it was drawing in the dust. My heart my heart
The other room where he was sleeping. Just an air matress and a suitcase and oh god my heart is breaking now please i can't Ican't

the bathroom mirror opened again. Where I found Jill's notebook and those masks remember? Where she tried to help me oh Jill oh Kevin
the mirror had a print a small hand print a woman's hand. Her hand smudged in blood and I knew she opened it because of course she knew even though no one else knew not even me
inside the mirror, just this:

me and him I can't stop crying. my sophomore year we took this in his house we were making cookies and forgot to put in any sugar and they were the worst things we'd ever had. he said we were the picture of success and took it and got actual prints of it because he likes real physical things
can't breathe this hurts this hurts
on the back

and I know. it's still a trap and a stupid obvious one and this time even my stupidity won't help because i know exactly where and what the monster wants. this time i'll be there on time.
want to know the funny part of this the really awful stupid funny part? my bat. I took it with me to flagstaff and it's sitting in my room at home where it will do no good ever, just another curiosity for my mom to wonder about when I'm gone. if i forgot it in tucson would he still be alive? So I've killed him another way that's one two three ways
but no more okay no more. Because next it'll be Aunt Caroline or Jess or Ted or Dad or Mom and no, next it'll be me and it'll stop there. It has to.

I am not letting the slender man take anyone else from me. is this enough that i'm walking into a trap that i'll die at this old dead place a mile away from a truck stop and a freeway is this enough for Jill and Grandma Alice and Andrew and Kevin? no never never never enough but it's all I can do. if I can. God forgive me and keep me because I will try to commit a mortal sin today even if I fail I can go to hell for the intent of murder right but I don't care just no more that's allI want and you, you're reading this, you're running or fighting or anything, live, live because I can't anymore.

thank you for listening to me
I love you even if I'll never know you

Sunday, April 24, 2011

the end this has to end

I'm writing this from a hotel room in Tucson. Last night I threw some clothes in my car and drove down here without sleeping, I didn't tell Mom or Ted I was leaving because they'd have come with me and I can't endanger I understand why Jill ran. I'm poison. I can't have this happen anymore. I have to do everything on my own now.
I am very very medicated right now and I'm still crying.
Yesterday I found out Jekyll died. And then a few hours later I got a call from the police. they said that a tall bald man in a suit and a short woman with greying hair had been seen entering my house, and the woman came out later, alone, with blood on her dress. The police were called but my neighbors, who made the call, said the woman had just vanished. The police found my door locked from the inside and when they knocked it down they found blood all over and Kevin
I can't even look at his name when I type it. My eyes keep sliding away.
They found him in the kitchen. They said he had tried to put up a fight. They didn't know how Harriet had overpowered him.
I can't duck this responsibility. I'm at fault and no one can say any different. she killed him because of me.

the police think I'm in flagstaff but my parents probably know I'm here so I don't have much time. I'm goingback to my house if I can face it, and I have to face it, because I neeed-
there's something there and I dont' know what it is but I know there has to be some kind of message from Kevin or Harriet or the fucking monster itself just something sometthing something I can do so I don't kill myself right now

going home, going home. this has to stop.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I know you're going to read this you fucking bitch and why is this happening I love him okay you fucking cunt I love him he's the best thing that happened to me and you you monster you fucking sociopatic monster

oh Kevin please please I love you please don't say she really killed you please don't really be dead

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Just to say one's heard from Harriet and although the police are still looking for her in Texas, there's been no sign of her. My mom shouted at them again and I asked her not to do that, and she said the police are idiots if they can't keep a 50 year old woman in jail. I wanted to say it wasn't their fault, that there's nothing they could do, but of course I can't explain it.

But I'm still safe and so is my family, and that's all I can ask.

Thank you Jean for giving a shit about me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

She's gone

Officer Clinton called again. Somehow, and the police can't figure it out, Harriet has gotten out of jail. She's escaped. She's free. She was in an empty cell with no way out and she just vanished.

When he told me I dropped the phone and my mom grabbed it and started screaming at him, asking why the police weren't doing their job, how could they let this happen, and I sat down on the couch and asked her to stop, it wasn't his fault, like a little mouse or something. I don't even think she heard me. But she did stop eventually and said "yes" a few times and hung up the phone and hugged me for a long time. She said that the cops would be watching this house and they were on their way now. I said, "And Andrew" because I thought what if she knows about him, and Mom said "We'll tell the hospital staff, okay?" and she called and we did.

There's at least 2 plain-clothes police officers outside my house right now. I'm being watched again but this time it's for my safety. But I'm scared for them. Because her master got her out of jail and what if it comes with her to Flagstaff? I can't have more of my family hurt, I can't have innocent policemen hurt...god dammit I'm just so scared. I thought this was over. I was so stupid but I did think it was over...
this isn't fair

I thought it was over